Being the first also means also taking all the insults, the jealousy and the misunderstandings. But if it removes obstacles for someone after me, then it was worth it. The glass ceiling is not broken with a gesture, it cracks with constancy, shatters with courage and is kept open with solidarity. The point is this: to change the rules we must be in the places where we decide, we tell our stories, we inspire.
Manuela Nicolosi
With an incredible combination of sweetness and iron will, Manuela Nicolosi fell in love with football at the age of five, when entering the stadium with her family for the first time. She wanted to play, but was not allowed to because she was a girl. At the age of 15, when refereeing opened up to women, she decided that this would be her way of putting on her boots. She made her debut in a male-dominated world and set herself a life-changing challenge.
After the sudden death of her father, she turned her grief into determination: she decided to become the first woman to lead a World Cup final. While studying, she moved to France to pursue her dream. Guided by her mantra “Life isn’t something you wait for; it’s something you choose”, she built a career in finance and, at the same time, made her way in refereeing. She became the first Italian female referee to represent France in 9 international competitions, including 5 World Cups and 2 Olympics. In 2019, she joined the all-female refereeing team that, for the first time in the history of football, directed an international men’s competition: the UEFA Super Cup final between Liverpool and Chelsea. First referee on TV to commentate on Serie A for DAZN, today the only Italian referee in the Kings League and the Club World Cup. Participates in TV broadcasts and creates football and mindset content. Entrepreneur, trainer, author, collaborates with companies and universities by giving speeches and courses on leadership, decision making, mindset and longevity. She supports FIGC in the development of women’s football and is laying the foundations for an international female empowerment project that will combine sports, coaching and biohacking.
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Speaking of the glass ceiling, your most iconic moment is undoubtedly the 2019 Super Cup: no one in the world could ignore it. But there are a thousand other ceilings that you have had to shatter to get there, and afterwards too. They have attacked you as a professional, as a mother, as a referee. You’ve learned to handle loneliness and injustice, and every time, you’ve come back stronger than before…
“UEFA Super Cup Final, Liverpool and Chelsea on the pitch: full time, extra time and penalties, and for the first time in the history of the international men’s championships, an all-female refereeing team. That game remained iconic both for its sporting intensity and its symbolic value.
Many people, over time, have tried to tell me “Eh, but you’re lucky”: but luck has nothing to do with it. I made every sacrifice to follow my instincts, I worked very hard, I learned to be alone, to carefully choose the people around me. How did I do it? Faced with every difficult decision, I closed my eyes and visualised my life without refereeing and, each time, I felt infinite sadness. Then I imagined myself in the World Cup final and I felt a thrill of happiness. To pursue this vision, I left a golden job while I was earning just €150 per match as a referee; I endured two years of silence from my family, who disapproved, then the looks from colleagues who stopped talking to me after I was appointed to referee the 2019 Super Cup final.
When I then accepted the call-up to the World Cup, 90% of people called me an unfit mother, because at home I had a two-and-a-half-year-old girl. No one ever told a man that. I would defend myself, but it hurt. But never as much as hearing my (now ex) partner tell my little girl that I abandoned her — abandoned her — for football. I quit my job, managed without my family, got divorced, and I was left alone. But I never gave up. I studied a lot, anatomy, nutrition, NLP, neuroscience, stress management. I became my own coach. I kept running, training, taking everything I had dreamed of and today even more than that. My daughter is now a gorgeous teenager and she sees the truth. The thing that absolutely fills me with pride is when I listen to her stories and I understand that the values I have conveyed to her and the sacrifices she has seen me make are a model for her. I always repeat to her: “If you believe in something, with work, sacrifice, perseverance and determination you are capable of doing everything.” And this is the same thing I feel like saying to anyone reading this interview: visualise your life with and without your dream, then do what you need to know. “Without ever giving up, for anyone.”
If the wall doesn’t come down, build a ladder. Strategy is part of courage
Sometimes, instead of bumping into an obstacle, it’s better to make choices to get around it. With strategy, by adjusting the path, yet never betraying the goal. Manuela knows this well: “I’ve learned that if there are walls that can’t be knocked down at that moment, you shouldn’t knock yourself out at that point. Sometimes you need to step back and look around to gain perspective and find a new path that aligns with your goal. That’s what I did when I went to France, when I left my career in finance, when I reset my personal and emotional life. If a decision brings you one step closer to your dream, even if it’s on a different path, fine, rearrange your plan and move forward.” This is how you turn difficulties into springboards and learn that courage is not only brute force, but also intelligence and vision.
Learning to call yourself “good” and to manage doubts and fears are two fundamental steps to keep hold of the reins of your life. How did you focus these two important rules and how can they help each woman to achieve, day by day, small and large goals?
“If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that we have to support ourselves as much as we do those we love. Because when a daughter, a friend, or a colleague says to you “I have a dream”, you are sure to answer “Go on, believe in it, you will make it!” But when that dream is ours, the voice inside changes: “Are you sure? Are you good enough? But who is making you do it?” Well, I have learned to respond to that voice “Yes, I’m sure. Yeah, I’m good. It’s my dream that is making me do it.” Because if we are not the first to believe it, who will? I went through some really hard times, but every time, I chose not to give up. And I’ve learned to say “well done” to myself, because we never say it enough. Rarely do we give ourselves a pat on the back and say, “You did something great.” And instead it’s the first step we need to take, because when you learn to recognise your value, it changes everything.
They instill that modesty in us at all costs, which does not allow us to recognise the value of our efforts. If you get rid of this, you no longer need the approval of others. Judgement is no longer an obstacle. Fear no longer blocks you. Because you know who you are. And you know what you want. I know fear well, it was there when I moved to France and I didn’t know anyone, and I didn’t speak the language. When I left a golden job to referee for free. The fear of judgement, of loneliness, of not making it. The fear of leaving my husband, of raising my daughter alone, of not being a good mother. They teach us to smile even when we are sad. But it’s not right: we have to listen to all our emotions, because only when we accept them, can we transform them. Fear is not the enemy. It’s the signal that we’re doing something important. It is not weakness: it is awareness. And if at that moment you say “Yes, I’m doing it anyway”, then you’ve already overcome it. Now I carry it with me as a companion. I don’t chase it away, I talk to it, I tell it, “It’s normal for you to be here.” Every time I got really scared, afterwards I did something major. Because courage is not the absence of fear. It’s the choice to act in spite of everything.”
As you told us, parity is more than a word, and for many it is still an asset to be conquered and defended with daily actions. What does it take for individual episodes of opening to become a structural change? What is missing so that we no longer have to talk about exceptions, but about normality based on talent?
“The point is this: to change the rules we must be in places where we decide, we tell our stories, we inspire. That’s the point. Without representation in key roles, we can’t really change the rules. That’s why I’m still there. Speaking up. Taking action. To gain as much visibility as I can in male-dominated situations. And we must make a noise when they present us with unfair situations, when they request our presence to cleanse their conscience and offer the group a small sweet reward. When we are the only women there, but in roles or situations that don’t matter much, we shouldn’t feel honoured, we have to lift the veil and expose this game. Let me give you an example: once I was invited as a speaker to a festival, which touched on the theme of being happy: six speakers, only I was a woman. I could have taken it as a boost for my ego, but I refused, because there had to be at least one other woman. Happiness is not the prerogative of men, as far as I know.
When you are the only one, whenever you can, always try to make room for another woman. Because as we continue to work for real equality, it’s important to continue to make yourself heard, make room, and empower other talented women. When I meet strong, beautiful, intelligent, prepared women, I applaud them. And I do so openly. Because recognising each other, supporting each other, not competing is a type of change that lies totally in our hands, no one but us can interfere with this. It’s a powerful tool, it’s already ours, let’s use it. I don’t want to be the only one, I want to be the first, but not for pure personal glory, because I know I am structured to withstand the blows. Because if I go first, after me someone will be able to come forward with fewer obstacles. And more often.”
